I just finished the book "A History of Love." I wish it wasn't over. I really loved it.
I'm laying here in bed with my laptop on my lap because I was too restless to sleep. Thankfully, my sick husband has finally fallen asleep. I hope I don't wake him with my typing. Maybe the Nyquil will help him with that. Anyway... As I was laying here, I heard him start to snore. He doesn't usually snore so it was a new sound for me. I liked it. I liked that he had finally fallen asleep. I liked that I was laying next to the person I cared most about in the world. I liked that I had someone to care about.
The thought occurred to me that this joy, that was caused by a man snoring, was unusual. I only find joy in it because of the love I feel for him. Or is it that I only find joy in it because it's new and not yet annoying? I don't want this feeling to end. It seems others I talk to are so cynical about love in marriage. They roll their eyes at me and say, "Newlyweds." And I know, they're rolling their eyes at the "mushy" parts. But those are the parts to me that make it real. Those are the parts I enjoy the most... the ones that I don't want to fade. I hear people say, "wait a year or two and then you won't be so happy," and I just don't understand.
I fear it. I fear the day when I will look at Kevin and not feel something. Even now, I hear him breathing in the other room (I moved so I wouldn't wake that man I care so much about). I love the sound of his breathing; it makes me warm. Is it because I'm a newlywed? I really hope not. I genuinely want to feel this way the rest of my life.
Maybe it's just because I've just finished a book about love that I'm so enamored with it right now. But I wonder how others can let it get like that. I mean, distant. I would not go as far as to say these people are not in love with their spouse anymore. It's just it seems they've lost the romantic love. Have they forgotten what it was which made them fall in love with their spouse? Or is it really that they've become so self-seeking that because they don't see love in the other, they refuse to deal it out.
I can't pretend to be an expert. I've only been married for just over 10 months. I suppose it's my fear that is making me consider all this. I just want to be able to keep my marriage as fresh as it is today when we've been married for 5 or 10 years--not to mention 30 or 40 (God willing and we live). My fear is not how my husband will act towards me. I will say right now that I believe I married the most wonderful man in the world. He is the most unselfish person I have ever met. He has incredible patience. He loves with his whole heart.
My fear is how I will act toward him in the years to come. Will I let the love grow distant or cold? I'm sure I wouldn't not do it intentionally. It could happen from getting too involved with work, church, school, or even our own children. It could happen because I just stop nurturing it.
That's it. Nurture. I know enough about love to know that it must be nurtured.
(I love being an exteral thinker sometimes... I mean, you all just saw my whole thought process. Really. That was the whole thing. What I thought, I wrote. I didn't think (at least not much), "what should I write?" I just wrote it. Kevin is the complete opposite.... he CAN'T think externally. I ask him all the time to tell me what he his thinking, but he says he doesn't know what he's thinking... When he's trying to solve a problem, in order to help him I tell him to work it out out-loud so that I can work on it to. He says he can't. I don't understand it... but I am trying to accept it)
Where was I? oh yes. Nurture.
I don't know. I think it's time for bed. Perhaps more to come...
Posts
